Day 4 — What are you afraid of?

In my Day 2 blog post, I mentioned random facts about myself.  In that I mentioned my fear of large crowds and of vomit.  I am not exactly sure that these are the kind of fears that’s reviewing asked about.  Maybe they are, but I am going to dig deeper and really think about what I am afraid of.  I am sure there is not just one answer.

I would have to say that one of the things that I am afraid of is never truly finding AND doing the things that make me happy.  At 33 years old, sometimes I feel like such a failure.  Now please don’t over think that.  I sure as heck try not to.  Yes, I am married. Yes, I have 3 kids. Yes, I on a house. Yes, I have a job. Yes, I have friends (not many, but just enough for my liking). Yes, I have loving and supportive family members.  BUT– sometimes, let’s be honest here… most times, I still feel like so much is missing.  I’m afraid that I am gotten sucked into this idea that I must do things in a certain way at a certain time, with certain people.  I’m afraid that if I don’t start really living for me, I will be stuck in this mold and never know the real meaning of life.  

And if I allow myself to continue living this way,  I’m afraid my children will continue the cycle.  I look at Mayci in all her 4 year old glory and envy her vivacious and fiery spirit. It had to have come from somewhere.  She has an “old” soul and a laid back attitude like her daddy… But that want to excitement and that light in her eyes, could that have possible come from my gene pool.  God I can only hope so! Myles, at only 6 has that ability to learn something new and yet still want to learn even more about it. He seems to have a passion for always needed to broaden his intellect.  I want that! And Madison, her sense of accomplishment and drive toward success in everything she touches, I pray that it sticks with her until her last days. And I fear that if I don’t start living my life FOR something, I will not be able to nurture those qualities in each of my children and they will get locked away in a place never to be found again.

I think as I am getting older I am thinking more about the quality of my life as opposed to what I physically have in my life.  I am afraid of not living a life worth anything.  I am afraid of not making a difference in someone’s life.  There are so many people that I credit for changing my life in many ways. I just want to know that when I am done with my life here on Earth, that someone can say that I left a mark on their life.  I’m not looking to change the world, but I do want to have an effect on the future.  

But you know what….  Maybe what I should really be afraid of is that all of these fears are the very thing that are keeping me from reaching the goals that I ultimately yearn for………..  

 

 

Author: MakeupOfMichelle

Just a normal human- mom of 3, aspiring writer and yogi. Lover of all things self help, planning, inspirational. Always working to be the best version of myself and constant trying to learn how to be raw, real, and true to myself and all others. Welcome to my everlasting journey...

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