In my Day 2 blog post, I mentioned random facts about myself. In that I mentioned my fear of large crowds and of vomit. I am not exactly sure that these are the kind of fears that’s reviewing asked about. Maybe they are, but I am going to dig deeper and really think about what I am afraid of. I am sure there is not just one answer.
I would have to say that one of the things that I am afraid of is never truly finding AND doing the things that make me happy. At 33 years old, sometimes I feel like such a failure. Now please don’t over think that. I sure as heck try not to. Yes, I am married. Yes, I have 3 kids. Yes, I on a house. Yes, I have a job. Yes, I have friends (not many, but just enough for my liking). Yes, I have loving and supportive family members. BUT– sometimes, let’s be honest here… most times, I still feel like so much is missing. I’m afraid that I am gotten sucked into this idea that I must do things in a certain way at a certain time, with certain people. I’m afraid that if I don’t start really living for me, I will be stuck in this mold and never know the real meaning of life.
And if I allow myself to continue living this way, I’m afraid my children will continue the cycle. I look at Mayci in all her 4 year old glory and envy her vivacious and fiery spirit. It had to have come from somewhere. She has an “old” soul and a laid back attitude like her daddy… But that want to excitement and that light in her eyes, could that have possible come from my gene pool. God I can only hope so! Myles, at only 6 has that ability to learn something new and yet still want to learn even more about it. He seems to have a passion for always needed to broaden his intellect. I want that! And Madison, her sense of accomplishment and drive toward success in everything she touches, I pray that it sticks with her until her last days. And I fear that if I don’t start living my life FOR something, I will not be able to nurture those qualities in each of my children and they will get locked away in a place never to be found again.
I think as I am getting older I am thinking more about the quality of my life as opposed to what I physically have in my life. I am afraid of not living a life worth anything. I am afraid of not making a difference in someone’s life. There are so many people that I credit for changing my life in many ways. I just want to know that when I am done with my life here on Earth, that someone can say that I left a mark on their life. I’m not looking to change the world, but I do want to have an effect on the future.
But you know what…. Maybe what I should really be afraid of is that all of these fears are the very thing that are keeping me from reaching the goals that I ultimately yearn for………..