I love my kids, and yet….

God knows that I love my kids. I really do, I mean it.  And yet, which in reality is just my fancy way of writing BUT, yet sometimes I don’t like my kids or even want to be around them.  I know right now all of those perfect parents are out there thinking to themselves, “how on earth can she say those things, what kind of mother is she?”  I know people think that because people have said it to me.

Well, I feel that I am a normal mother. A real mother. A mother that isn’t afraid to speak the truth.  Maybe not a “typical” mother, but normal according to my definition of the word.  And that is all I care about.

I can honestly say that I am not one of those mothers that always misses my kids when they are away.  Sometimes, I am just so grateful that I have time to myself and don’t have to entertain anyone or fetch anyone some juice, snacks, lend a listening ear, etc.  Yup- sometimes I plain just don’t want them around.  And because of this “alone” time, I am also extremely grateful that my kids all have activities, friends, and family members that keep them busy and want to actually spend time with them.  I am one lucky lady.

Now my kids are amazing kids.  Pretty well behaved for the most part and extremely intelligent and self sufficient.  But nope, I still don’t always like them.  I have even caught myself resenting them at moments.  Yup– I am not afraid to admit that anymore. I also think that in the moments when I have felt that resentment, that it is probably best that I a, away from them for a moment. Don’t think that I wrote that I regret having my children.  I am so glad that I have each and every one of them.  They have each taught  me many different things about my life and brought a special something to our family dynamic.  With that being said, yes- I have thought about how different things may have turned out had I not had kids.

Please remember, that right out of high school, I had no intention of becoming a mom.  I never wanted kids and always wanted work to be my first priority.  Then reality set in.  I wanted to have sex, I made the not so smart decision of not being “on point” with my birth control, and then came child #1.  Fast forward a few years and I got married and then we decided to try to have a child and here comes child #2, Child #3 was not a surprise by any means (I’m not an idiot, I know how babies are made), but we weren’t exactly planning that child.

3 children was definitely the limit for me.  I know darn well that I would not be capable of handling anything more than what I have.. .even sometimes the 3 of them pose a challenge for me.  Maybe that is why I am not the super loving mom that society tells me I must be.  I am not the cuddling type.  I don’t eat after my children.  I certainly won’t kiss them on the mouth.  Yet – I do love my children and I try to show them in the best ways that I am able to.  I tell them that I love them at least once a day.  I make sure they have a place to live, food on the table, and even some extras at times.  I listen to them when they are telling me long, drawn out stories about things I have no interest in hearing about.  I help them wipe their butts when they need me to.  I stay up until the wee hours of the morning helping them straighten their hair for pictures and dance competitions.  I drive them to all of their activities and spend the majority of my money on things for them. I clean up after them.  I am the Secretary for their school’s PTO, help out at dance recitals, and let them pick out food while I am grocery shopping.  I wipe away tears when they are hurt (normally because I am the one that has upset them). Stand up for them when necessary.  I correct them when they do the wrong thing and I hold them responsible for anything they do- good or bad.  I will sit in silence with them when they have had a rough day and just need quiet time.  My ways of showing my kids love may not be conventional- but they are real.

So when you hear me saying I want time away or I need alone time, please just respect it.  It may not be your style.  You may not even approve.  And you are entitled to that.  Just know, I love my kids, and yet…

12 weeks in – My FINAL weight loss and WeightWatchers journey

Okay, so I am 12 weeks into my WeightWatchers journey and figured it was time that I started documenting this journey. Mainly for myself and also for the accountability factor. When I know there may very well be some person reading about my journey and since most people are judgmental-what better way than to hold myself accountable to anyone that has access to this blog.

First, let me jump right in and talk about why I took the step to join WW. It is honestly because I am just tired of being “overweight” and out of shape. It takes a lot to really admit to yourself and others that you are overweight and out of shape. And I started to admit it to myself about 2 years ago– like really admit it. You know, the say it out loud while looking in the mirror with tears in your eyes. Alright- so maybe you don’t know, but that’s what happened to me. I got out of the shower, started getting ready and really took a long hard look at myself in the mirror. Now, my family tend to think that I am extremely vain and conceited honestly though, I have not been a huge fan of the mirror for a while. Mirrors = reality to me. A reality that I don’t want to always accept.

I have spent the majority of my life looking like I was in phenomenal shape. It’s only been in the past 6 years that I have truly started to “look” like my reality — out of shape, a little “fat”, and frumpy. It doesn’t help that I prefer sweatpants and hoodies to nice clothes. I as slowly increasing my clothing size and made my way up to the double digits in pants size. I recognized my problem long before I reacted with a solution. Some people seem to just be nicer than others. I am all for being honest. But there is a fine line between honesty and tact and just plain rudeness and insults. And I just don’t think that everyone understands that line. Several people felt that t was their job to act as my personal mirror and tell me just how much weight I had gained. And even still….. no changes were made on my part.

And then that day came at work when I decided to weigh myself one morning. You know the drill… walk up to the scale, feel intimidated, take of your bracelets, earring, rings, shoes, name tag – but leave your glasses on because come on, seriously, how much of a difference can THOSE make… and then star at the scale a little longer. Wait, that’s not what everyone does? Hmmmmmmmmmm…………
But anyway, after I lost my staring war with the scale, I realized that I had been defeated long before that moment and stepped on.  And the number on the scale was one that I knew was NOT acceptable– 164 lbs!!!

I made the decision with my friend, Jen, to sign up for Weight Watchers on January 17th of this year!  I must say — I am so happy with my decision.  On January 17, 2016, my official weigh in weight was 162.8.  I am now 12 weeks in and have lost a total of 20.8 pounds.  I was down a little bit more, but at my first weight gain of 0.4lbs this week.

It has not been easy.  It hasn’t always been fun. It hasn’t always made me happy.  BUT- it has all been WORTH IT!  It has taught me so much about portion control.  Things that I should have already known, and I think I do, but something that I clearly needed help on.  It has caused me to have to buy new pants– I mean, I haven’t bought any yet, since I mainly live in sweats, but I am in desperate need of some new SMALLER jeans.  It has helped me with my self confidence… yup- some of my self confidence is based on my weight. Call me vain if you want, but it’s the god honest truth and I am not ashamed to admit it!

I still have about 20 more pounds to go until I reach what I consider to be my “healthy” weight.  And no, I won’t be too skinny, no I’m not crazy, and yes, I know what I am doing.  I figure I should get those answers out since everyone always says something to me when I talk about my goal weight.

I also need to get more focused on my exercise.  I was running and then spinning almost consistently.  But running as taken a back burner to everything else in my world and the times for spinning just haven’t been working for me.  I do dance twice  a week, but that is not nearly enough.  I plan to start back up with running very soon and am also hoping to get back into Yoga. No set plan or anything- just things I know need to be done.

All in all this experience is going much better than I had originally anticipated and for that I am grateful.  Most importantly, I am very proud of myself – I am known to be a quitter.  And while I have gotten a little more relaxed with my food tracking, I am FAR from quitting!

Maybe 12 more weeks from now, I will still be going strong and will be able to give another update.  And maybe even be brave enough to post a before and after pic 🙂