And so it begins…

Almost exactly 2 years I headed out to NJ to spend the weekend with my sister in law Karina.  She had married my brother in law just 3 months earlier and I was determined to build a better relationship with my new sister.

Such a simple thing and most wouldn’t understand why it was such a big deal, heading out to NJ to spend quality time with Karina.  Well let me be the first to tell you – IT WAS HUGE FOR ME!!  I am not a people person, I cannot stand being outside of my comfort zone, and I am easily intimidated.  I had created like the perfect little storm for an extreme anxiety attack by planning and actually follow through with my plans that weekend.  I ended up having a great time… and that weekend changed me.  It was almost 2 years ago during that weekend that I knew I needed to make a change.  I needed to find myself and stop being who I thought I was supposed to be all the time and just be myself.  So began my findingmyself journey. 

This journey had not been an easy one.  Not easy in the slightest.  I mean, I have been reading books, writing in my journal like always, listening to podcasts, etc. I try to be more aware of what is around me.  Trying to be more open and social. (okay, well I have been doing “kind of” well on them ore social front).  SO why do I still feel empty? Why do I still feel lost?  What exactly am I even trying to find, and why am I even trying to find it?  Are any of these tears that I have been shedding – do they symbolize anything, have any meaning behind them?

Why, in all of the books that I read does this journey seem so much easier.  I mean, there are struggles and such, but it seems as though they get through it much quicker and with more definite answers.  what am I talking about- I know that isn’t entirely true.  It’s just hard to tell the actual time table when reading or listening to book.  I just feel like such a failure, like I am not progressing the way that I should be. In 2 years shouldn’t I feel like I have found myself  or feel like I closer to finding myself.  Uuuuugggghhhhhhh!

The truth is- NO! Not necessarily.  Since when was there a set guideline on”finding yourself” and how long it should take?  There isn’t. But my need for control gets in the way. My need for control SCREAMS that I am failing, that I am too slow, that I must be doing something wrong.

Then reality sets in- Why the hell do I feel the need to put rules on ANYTHING, everything for that matter.  Every time I choose a goal- and as you can tell by my sporadic blog posts, that is quite often – I create all of these rules in my head, some attainable, some extreme, some absolutely ludacris.  It’s like I am utimately setting myself up for failure.. because the moment I fall short on one of these “rules”, I beat myself up. Criticized myself. Feel sorry for myself.  Treat myself in a way that I would never treat anyone else(or at least hope that I never would).

And at that moment- the moment that reality actually set in- I was listening to, “The Love Warrior,” by Glennon Doyle Melton in my car. I don’t know exactly what Glennon was saying, but I do know that something clicked and I burst into tears- ugly, loud, sobbing tears.  At a stop light, getting off the highway to pick up Myles and Mayci, crying hysterically while trying to keep the tears from blocking my vision- I realized that I was going about this all wrong.  It is isn’t that I am doing anything wrong.  It isn’t that the person that I currently am is wrong.  Those are lies that I have been telling myself and believing for years.

The truth is, I was never lost. It isn’t truly about finding myself.  I have been hiding. For years… Decades even.  Who I am hasn’t been locked away or even far away. That person has always been right beneath the surface.  I just covered it up with layers upon layers. As I was growing up,  I suffered from anxiety then too- just more silently than I do now. That’s the thing with growing up, having kids, and wanting to “find” yourself- you start to be a little more vocal about things.  But anyway, as I was saying, as I was growing up I allowed the thing to made me anxious take over and build a small barrier over who I was to help protect me from the next time. I allowed myself to peek through these layers at times, but then I would expose too much and pull that layer blanket right back up over my head, until that weekend in NJ when I realized that these blankets were making me feel lost.  So then I started my finding myself journey.

But, nope – IM NOT LOST!  Through an ugly cry in the car, I realized this finding myself journey is really just a self discovery journey.  I am rediscovering the person that I am.  I am relearning how to love myself. Not in the conceited , I am better than everyone way- but in a way that is so pure and so raw that it allows me to be able to love on others the same way.  We cannot give from an empty cup and I had allowed my cup to be completely empty.

I am crawling out from my hiding place.  I am no longer trying to find a person to become and call that person me. I am crawling out from my hiding place. I am ripping these layers off one by one… Painful it may be, but do it I shall!  I am going to live! Like, really live! No rules! No guidelines! No self deprecating! I am just going to do. Just going to be. Just going to show myself and LIVE! I am going to do things that make me scared. Do things that make me nervous. Do things that I love. Do things that may be wrong, but I am going to do them all the same.  The thing with all of this hiding is that I allowed myself to miss out on so much.  I haven’t ever lived.  I am going to stop being afraid to post my blog posts. I am going to sing out loud in my car regardless of what others may think. I am going to attempt recipes even though they may fail horribly.  I am going to finish school and finally get my bachelor’s degree. When someone upsets me, I am going to tell them, respectfully of course  I am going to tell them.  I will accept reponsibility for my actions and no longer blame others for my unhappiness.  I will work hard but learn to play hard too.  I will not allow the world and upside factors to harden me.  I will be soft and gentle and teach the same to my children.   I will volunteer like I always want to and help to make a difference in the world. I will begin to put my family first.

My goal in life is to be a kind, gentle, warrior. I want to break down the very walls that I have built with grace and love. I will create an environment in myself that makes other feel safe and secure. I am crawling out from my hiding place.  It is going to be a slow and steady crawl, filled with pain, sweat, and tears. For the first time ever, I am going to really FREE MYSELF!

And so it begins…
 

 

Author: MakeupOfMichelle

Just a normal human- mom of 3, aspiring writer and yogi. Lover of all things self help, planning, inspirational. Always working to be the best version of myself and constant trying to learn how to be raw, real, and true to myself and all others. Welcome to my everlasting journey...

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s