WeightWatchers Journey—- is this farewell??

Alright, so it has been about 8 weeks since my last post about my WeightWatchers journey.  I certainly wish I had much more to post, but honestly— not much has changed.  I am at a current weight loss of 26.8 pounds.  My current weight is 136.  I will let you do the math to figure out my starting weight, lol.

And I will be candid and tell you that I write this while I catch up on General Hospital and am eating Birthday Cake Fudge Striped Cookies with tears in my eyes– go ahead and Judge me………

My goal weight is 125, so I am still 11 pounds away and I have a feeling, that it will take me a little while to get to that weight loss.  I am sort of at a stand still right now.  I know that is normal and I know that 26 pounds lost is a great thing.  I actually feel bad that I am not as happy about it as I should be.  But, realistically- I have not been working quite as hard as I was before, so I haven’t been expecting much!

I have a reached a point where I am just ready to give up.  My confidence is soaring, I am feeling amazing, but there  is just something that pulls me to the other side.  The side of me that wants to eat what I want, when I want, the amount I want.  The part of me that doesn’t want to track everything that I put in my mouth, and then feel guilty when I choose the “wrong” things.

And, to be perfectly honest.  I HAVE given up.  I haven’t weighed in in about 3 weeks.  I haven’t tracked any of the food that I have put in my mouth, and I haven’t really been doing much in the area of exercise aside from the occasional dance class and work out video here and there.  Jen and I have been talking and we are thinking of trying something new that starts on Monday, but I am still not 100% sold on that either.  Why is it that the more work I have to put into something, the less I want to do it?  Am I really that lazy?  The answer is … yes!  I really am that lazy.  And it just plain sucks.  Over the past month, I have been complimented more than I could ever imagine.  I have been praised for my weight loss.  My boost in confidence has not gone unnoticed.  I carry myself slightly differently, I smile way more than I have in a long while.  I was even told, just recently, “Wow, I can actually put my hands around you, which means you must be losing weight” (Wait a minute, was I that big- I don’t think so, but the fact that someone could comment like that makes me realize just how drastic my weight loss has been)

Why would I want to sabotage that?  Why throw all of this hard work away?  Unfortunately, if I had the answer, I probably wouldn’t be writing these questions one.  SO if you come to these posts for motivation– click off NOW- You will NOT get motivation here.  You will get real life.  Real feelings, real self sabotage, real self pity, real ME!

I am not just my weight loss. I know that.  I know that there is so much more to me than that. I am extremely happy and grateful for as far as I have gotten.. I don’t take any of it for granted.

Let me close this by saying– Yes, I am giving up Weight Watchers. And yes, I acknowledge all of the good that it has done for me.

BUT NO — I will not just stop trying to lose the weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle.  My journey with weight loss and the journey to find myself is so far from over. It has only just begun………

 

~~~~~Michelle

xoxo

I love my kids, and yet….

God knows that I love my kids. I really do, I mean it.  And yet, which in reality is just my fancy way of writing BUT, yet sometimes I don’t like my kids or even want to be around them.  I know right now all of those perfect parents are out there thinking to themselves, “how on earth can she say those things, what kind of mother is she?”  I know people think that because people have said it to me.

Well, I feel that I am a normal mother. A real mother. A mother that isn’t afraid to speak the truth.  Maybe not a “typical” mother, but normal according to my definition of the word.  And that is all I care about.

I can honestly say that I am not one of those mothers that always misses my kids when they are away.  Sometimes, I am just so grateful that I have time to myself and don’t have to entertain anyone or fetch anyone some juice, snacks, lend a listening ear, etc.  Yup- sometimes I plain just don’t want them around.  And because of this “alone” time, I am also extremely grateful that my kids all have activities, friends, and family members that keep them busy and want to actually spend time with them.  I am one lucky lady.

Now my kids are amazing kids.  Pretty well behaved for the most part and extremely intelligent and self sufficient.  But nope, I still don’t always like them.  I have even caught myself resenting them at moments.  Yup– I am not afraid to admit that anymore. I also think that in the moments when I have felt that resentment, that it is probably best that I a, away from them for a moment. Don’t think that I wrote that I regret having my children.  I am so glad that I have each and every one of them.  They have each taught  me many different things about my life and brought a special something to our family dynamic.  With that being said, yes- I have thought about how different things may have turned out had I not had kids.

Please remember, that right out of high school, I had no intention of becoming a mom.  I never wanted kids and always wanted work to be my first priority.  Then reality set in.  I wanted to have sex, I made the not so smart decision of not being “on point” with my birth control, and then came child #1.  Fast forward a few years and I got married and then we decided to try to have a child and here comes child #2, Child #3 was not a surprise by any means (I’m not an idiot, I know how babies are made), but we weren’t exactly planning that child.

3 children was definitely the limit for me.  I know darn well that I would not be capable of handling anything more than what I have.. .even sometimes the 3 of them pose a challenge for me.  Maybe that is why I am not the super loving mom that society tells me I must be.  I am not the cuddling type.  I don’t eat after my children.  I certainly won’t kiss them on the mouth.  Yet – I do love my children and I try to show them in the best ways that I am able to.  I tell them that I love them at least once a day.  I make sure they have a place to live, food on the table, and even some extras at times.  I listen to them when they are telling me long, drawn out stories about things I have no interest in hearing about.  I help them wipe their butts when they need me to.  I stay up until the wee hours of the morning helping them straighten their hair for pictures and dance competitions.  I drive them to all of their activities and spend the majority of my money on things for them. I clean up after them.  I am the Secretary for their school’s PTO, help out at dance recitals, and let them pick out food while I am grocery shopping.  I wipe away tears when they are hurt (normally because I am the one that has upset them). Stand up for them when necessary.  I correct them when they do the wrong thing and I hold them responsible for anything they do- good or bad.  I will sit in silence with them when they have had a rough day and just need quiet time.  My ways of showing my kids love may not be conventional- but they are real.

So when you hear me saying I want time away or I need alone time, please just respect it.  It may not be your style.  You may not even approve.  And you are entitled to that.  Just know, I love my kids, and yet…

12 weeks in – My FINAL weight loss and WeightWatchers journey

Okay, so I am 12 weeks into my WeightWatchers journey and figured it was time that I started documenting this journey. Mainly for myself and also for the accountability factor. When I know there may very well be some person reading about my journey and since most people are judgmental-what better way than to hold myself accountable to anyone that has access to this blog.

First, let me jump right in and talk about why I took the step to join WW. It is honestly because I am just tired of being “overweight” and out of shape. It takes a lot to really admit to yourself and others that you are overweight and out of shape. And I started to admit it to myself about 2 years ago– like really admit it. You know, the say it out loud while looking in the mirror with tears in your eyes. Alright- so maybe you don’t know, but that’s what happened to me. I got out of the shower, started getting ready and really took a long hard look at myself in the mirror. Now, my family tend to think that I am extremely vain and conceited honestly though, I have not been a huge fan of the mirror for a while. Mirrors = reality to me. A reality that I don’t want to always accept.

I have spent the majority of my life looking like I was in phenomenal shape. It’s only been in the past 6 years that I have truly started to “look” like my reality — out of shape, a little “fat”, and frumpy. It doesn’t help that I prefer sweatpants and hoodies to nice clothes. I as slowly increasing my clothing size and made my way up to the double digits in pants size. I recognized my problem long before I reacted with a solution. Some people seem to just be nicer than others. I am all for being honest. But there is a fine line between honesty and tact and just plain rudeness and insults. And I just don’t think that everyone understands that line. Several people felt that t was their job to act as my personal mirror and tell me just how much weight I had gained. And even still….. no changes were made on my part.

And then that day came at work when I decided to weigh myself one morning. You know the drill… walk up to the scale, feel intimidated, take of your bracelets, earring, rings, shoes, name tag – but leave your glasses on because come on, seriously, how much of a difference can THOSE make… and then star at the scale a little longer. Wait, that’s not what everyone does? Hmmmmmmmmmm…………
But anyway, after I lost my staring war with the scale, I realized that I had been defeated long before that moment and stepped on.  And the number on the scale was one that I knew was NOT acceptable– 164 lbs!!!

I made the decision with my friend, Jen, to sign up for Weight Watchers on January 17th of this year!  I must say — I am so happy with my decision.  On January 17, 2016, my official weigh in weight was 162.8.  I am now 12 weeks in and have lost a total of 20.8 pounds.  I was down a little bit more, but at my first weight gain of 0.4lbs this week.

It has not been easy.  It hasn’t always been fun. It hasn’t always made me happy.  BUT- it has all been WORTH IT!  It has taught me so much about portion control.  Things that I should have already known, and I think I do, but something that I clearly needed help on.  It has caused me to have to buy new pants– I mean, I haven’t bought any yet, since I mainly live in sweats, but I am in desperate need of some new SMALLER jeans.  It has helped me with my self confidence… yup- some of my self confidence is based on my weight. Call me vain if you want, but it’s the god honest truth and I am not ashamed to admit it!

I still have about 20 more pounds to go until I reach what I consider to be my “healthy” weight.  And no, I won’t be too skinny, no I’m not crazy, and yes, I know what I am doing.  I figure I should get those answers out since everyone always says something to me when I talk about my goal weight.

I also need to get more focused on my exercise.  I was running and then spinning almost consistently.  But running as taken a back burner to everything else in my world and the times for spinning just haven’t been working for me.  I do dance twice  a week, but that is not nearly enough.  I plan to start back up with running very soon and am also hoping to get back into Yoga. No set plan or anything- just things I know need to be done.

All in all this experience is going much better than I had originally anticipated and for that I am grateful.  Most importantly, I am very proud of myself – I am known to be a quitter.  And while I have gotten a little more relaxed with my food tracking, I am FAR from quitting!

Maybe 12 more weeks from now, I will still be going strong and will be able to give another update.  And maybe even be brave enough to post a before and after pic 🙂

Day 21 – My 10 favorite foods

Wooooohoooooooooo — this is an easy one.  I like to eat and am very simple with my tastes.  No super fancy food over here in my neck of the woods!!

 

  1. Rice – any kind– most recently Rice and beans have been an ultimate favorite
  2. Chips and Guacamole — not sure if this should count as 2, but I don’t care haha
  3. Macaroni and cheese
  4. Chocolate chip cookies
  5. French fries
  6. Morning Star spicy black bean burgers
  7. Bean and Cheese burritos
  8. Snap peas and Green Beans
  9. Onion and Pepper Pizza
  10. Steamed broccoli

Okay, so now I am hungry and want a little bit of all the things mentioned above hahaha.

Day 14 — If you won the lottery….

Okay, so in typical Michelle fashion, I have fallen behind on this challenge already.  BUT– to change it up, instead of just giving up, I am going to jump back in.. and hopefully back track on some of the days as I make time to.

Today’s challenge is, If you won the lottery……

Definitely  a challenging question and while I think about it all the time (don’t we all), I have never really THOUGHT about it.  t doesn’t give a dollar amount that you won, so I am just going to assume that it is a pretty substantial amount.  Possibly one that would mean that I would not need to work anymore and could still manage to live quite comfortably.

With that being said, I probably would NOT quit my job.  I mean, I don’t think that I would necessarily stay on full-time, but I would certainly work part-time for as long as possible.  I would also pay off any of our big “loans”. Damian’s student loans, the house, my car.  I would finally add-on the additional bathroom that we don’t quite have the money for right now.

Of course I would like to help out my family members as much as possible as well.  So yes– all of the normal things that I feel like most people would want to do with some of their winnings.

THE #1 THING I WOULD DO IF I WON THE LOTTERY, would be——————————————————————-

GO ON A VACATION!!!!  Well to be honest, 2 vacations really.  I would like to go on a vacation with just Damian and I and then an additional vacation with the whole family.  This is so important to me!  We haven’t been on a family vacation since before Mayci was born. When Myles was 1 and a half we spent a weekend away so we could go to the Bronx Zoo and then to the New England Aquarium.  Not even what I would consider a true vacation.  And Damian and I, we took a long weekend for our anniversary about 4 years ago.  And we have done a couple of overnight stays in NJ/NY at his brothers places a couple of times since then.  I want a true getaway.  Like more than a few days and somewhere longer than 3 hours away.

So, see– I wouldn’t be too greedy if I won the lottery.  It would just be nice to be able to live comfortably for a time.  Something that we don’t always do, depending on the time of year.

Unfortunately, I don’t play the lotto, so if I don’t play, I guess I will never win!

 

What would you do if you won the lottery??

Day 7 — Your pet hates

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So we only have 1 pet here in the Curtis household.  A creepy bearded dragon named Rex.  And let me start off by saying, he was definitely NOT my idea.  I have always wanted a pet.  But I think it was more of the idea of a pet.  I am pretty lazy and always knew that having a pet would mean more work on my part.. and let’s be honest here– I don’t want any extra work.
I really just think Rex hates the cold.  He hates the fact that I keep breaking his damn UV light and that because of that he has trouble digesting his food sometimes.  He hates the fact that the ones who REALLY should be taking care of him are too busy hanging out, playing video games,  making a mess, not cleaning their rooms, or brushing their teeth.

Oh– and don’t mind the red picture– seeing as how I broke his last light, He has his nocturnal light on ALL the time!!

On that note… is any one looking for a gross dragon lizard looking thing for their home??

Day 6 — my 5 senses right now

Sight …….  My iPad screen as I type this and Criminal Minds on my phone.  I would take a picture, but Criminal Minds is way to good right now!

Sound ……. Criminal minds; Damian, Danny, and Robert downstairs in the studio; Myles and Mayci arguing about juice boxes 

Smell ….. Leaves candle from Bath and Body Works, and cakes cooling on the stove

Touch …… The iPad screen and my flannel pajama pants

Taste ….. Dunkin Donuts coffee and … Gummy bears from a school fundraiser
What are your five senses right now?