Regretting words…

Image result for quotes about anger

Oh how the above resonates with my soul. Especially over the past few weeks or so. I have such a hard time maintaining my anger and it scares me sometimes. You know me, all about being honest about my flaws. I am a hot head. I don’t recall always being this way, but am definitely one currently!

And my poor family always gets to be on the receiving end of my anger. Why do I allow those closest to me be the ones to suffer the most? I wish I had answers. What I do know is that I am not an easy person to live with. I do not always make my house a pleasant place for my family to feel comfort and safe.

How have I let it get this bad? Again, a question I fail to find an answer to. I feel like I let it get this bad for a couple of reasons. I felt it was safe. I still have no idea how to actually control my emotions/outbursts.

Safe? What? I know that is what you are thinking. Let me explain – at work, I cannot have outbursts because it could seriously impact my job. At school events, people may judge and stare, etc. At home though, yeah I will upset the kids and Damian, but they will get over it. They will love me no matter what and then we will just move on. Right? WRONG!!!!! Yes, it upsets all 4 of them. It makes them uneasy, anxious, nervous to even just be around me. They live in a constant state of thinking, “when is she going to flip out again?” “What am I going to do that is going to set her off?” It makes them not take my words seriously and sometimes not even want to interact with me at all. Trust me when I say that this is not the environment that you want your family to be in. Well, at least I do not. I want my kids to want to be home, to feel safe, to be at ease. I want my husband to want to talk to me. I want my family to feel safe and feel comfortable having their friends over.

Unable to control my own emotions? How is that even possible? For me, so damn possible. I know what certain triggers are, but that isn’t an excuse for my explosive behavior. I try to talk myself down. But I can tell you, it very rarely works. I give up after about 30 seconds and just go full force cruel and whoever is around. Sometimes it isn’t even the person that I am upset with.

Even with my answers, I know that they are not valid and are merely excuses. I don’t write this because I think I know the answers, it is actually the opposite. I write this because I need to get these feelings out and work through them.

I know that my family thinks I am just a mean person. I know that, it is a fact. There lies scars within each member of my family that I have put there because of my actions and my words. I tend to say that I know my actions are wrong, but if… However, there is NO JUSTIFICATION because of my actions. Yes, I think my children are spoiled and sometimes extremely lazy and irresponsible. Yes, I wish my husband would think that keeping the house clean was just as much a priority as I do. But these are in no way a reason for my reactions to things. I cannot change my husband. I can only guide my children. Yes, I have to repeat myself several times to everyone in my family, but again, clearly the outbursts are not working, because I am still repeating myself SO why do I do it? Why do I flip and then feel guilty after, upset everyone else, and still nothing has been resolved.

Listen, I don’t have answers. I know that it is a problem. I am working on getting professional help to aid me in handling these emotions and help fix some of the relationships that I am in the process of ruining.

I think that it is perfectly healthy to get angry. Anger is necessary at times. It is NOT okay to be cruel and outof control. I know this yet struggle with executing a tame version of my anger.

Go ahead and judge me for my honesty, judge me for not being a better wife, mom, person. That is okay. I can take the judgement. I cannot take the overwhelming feeling that I get after each “episode”. The guilt and sadness. Nope, I am not ready to apologize. I can say the words but am not at a place where I feel it will mean something. I will be ready. One day. Hopefully soon. And hopefully, long before it is too late.

Wish me luck on this ….

In all things look for beauty(I am still searching on this one),

*ME*

Day 2 —20 Facts about you (well, me)

Day 2– 20 FACTS ABOUT ME———>

Hmmmm, anyone reading this will probably already know these facts about me, but here it goes.

  1.  I was born in Anchorage, Alaska  — no I am not an Eskimo, no I did not live in an Igloo, yes I am a US Citizen and I do not need a green card (I say all of this because these are all questions that have been asked of me when people find out where I was born)
  2. I was in the Army
  3. Even though I tend to be quite outgoing, I have an extreme fear of crowds
  4. I think I have misophonia – strong dislike/hatred of certain sounds.  Listening to certain people eat or people eat certain things truly makes me ANGRY!
  5. I rock myself to sleep — not as much as I used to, but I used to rock anytime I was sitting or getting ready for bed
  6. I have been a vegetarian since July 2014 – not because of some monumental reason  – I honestly woke up one day and said that I wanted to change one thing about my life, and that was what I chose
  7. I lived in Keflavik, Iceland – yes, it was cold
  8. I lived in 8 places before I turned 13 years old – I was Air Force brat 🙂
  9. I gave birth to all 3 of my kids without any pain medication or an epidural
  10. I still have a baby tooth in my mouth that never fell out
  11. I have a severe fear of vomit — it’s actually called emetophobia
  12. I still haven’t graduated from college– BUT it’s on my bucket list to get my Bachelor’s — even though I would really like my Master’s
  13. I have been the victim of Domestic Violence- I was scared and didn’t tell many people… but have also comes to terms with my experiences and have learned the power of Forgiveness
  14. I have a very addictive personality, which is why I don’t like to drink and never got into smoking
  15. I am obsessed with inspirational quotations – have them written down EVERYWHERE and sometimes speak only using them
  16. Even though I like inspirational quotes, I suffer from depression and bipolar disorder
  17. I have an extreme sweet tooth
  18. I wanted to be an English teacher up until I was in the 10th grade.. at that time, my interests started leaning towards Criminal Psychology- and that is my true interest now
  19. I love doing Yoga, but haven’t done it in a while and am really hoping to get back in to it
  20. I have 7 tattoos.. the most recent being a total of actually 8 tattoos(lotus flower with the 7 chakras written in Sanskrit down my spine)– but I count it as one since it all goes together.  Yup– I still want more

Alrighty!!  Hopefully you still think that I am worthy of being your friend after reading about the weirdness that is me.  But chances are- none of these things were a secret and you already knew them!! 🙂