Show the hell up…

Just show up! This is what I have to tell myself daily. Show up for my kids. Show up for my husband and other family. Show up for my friends. And damn it… SHOW UP FOR MYSELF!

Such simple words. Yet it is not a simple notion for me. I am known for not showing up. It is a sad fact and breaks my heart that many see me in this light.  My intentions are always good- but life is hard and people are sometimes just way to much for me. I love telling people yes and being there for people. I don’t like having to leave the comfort of my home sometimes, my safe place.

When I talk about showing up, I mean the term in many different ways. I mean being there for the people who are important for me.  Being there through their roughest moments as a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or just someone to sit in silence with. Being there during their accomplishments as one of their biggest cheerleaders. Being there just to be there to hang out, talk, be crazy, catch up.  This goes for family(and not just those related to me by blood), friends, coworkers, other adults or children in my life that just need someone to be there- to show up for them.  This is my goal, but this is not yet my reality. I back away and do not always show up because … well… mainly just be because I am afraid.  I am afraid to be there for one person more than another and then upset someone else. I am afraid to not be there in the right way for someone and then I end up hurting them more. I am afraid of letting myself out of my comfort zone and then what?  All the what ifs start to creep in at theat moment.  And don’t get me wrong- I do still show up… sometimes.  And when I do, I give my all. My biggest problem is aggreeing to show up before knowing if I truly can. That is where I get into the most trouble and I am tired of doing that. And then that makes me afraid to commit at all.

I talk a lot about my fears when I am writing because that is the emotion that has the most control over my life currently. Who am I kidding, this is what has controlled me for the better part of my 35 years.  But the thing that fear has most controlled when it comes to showing up– is me showing up for myself. I mean really- I am probably one of the most selfish people I know (listen, I am just being honest here- this is my safe place)- so why on earth would it be so difficult to do things that benefit me?  Now don’t be confused, yes I take plenty of time to binge watch my favorite shows, to eat the crappy foods I enjoy, to drink too much at times, to speak in ways that are not always becoming- but I cannot seem to show up for myself when it comes to making healthy decisions,  working towards MY goals, and doing things that truly excite me…yet I cannot seem to figure out why?

I have been thinking about this so much because I have been a part of a workout/healthy eating challenge through a local gym.  And one of the things I have been focusing on is SHOWING UP FOR MYSELF.  This requires discipline  in showing up for at least 3 workouts a week and focusing on getting the “correct” amount of protein and water in my daily “diet”. Oh my word- I SUCK at this.  I always have. Being disciplined is hard for me.  A lot of people think that it shouldn’t be this way since I served 8 years in the military– but boy are they wrong.

I still don’t get why showing up for myself is hard. Like, shouldn’t being there for myself be a priority? Shouldn’t I want to love on myself and take care of myself so that I have enough to give back to others? Shouldn’t I feel that I am important enough to show up for? The answer… HELL YES!  It is time to show the hell up for myself.  Stop with the excuses for why I cannot invest in myself. I am in a constant battle in fighting what I want to do versus what I need to do versus what people expect me to do…  The fight is over…..I am no longer going to worry myself about what other people feel I should do.. as long as what I want to do and  need to do align..then, the only thing that I am going to hold myself accountable for over the next 380 days is to just show up for myself!!  It will be challenging, scary, will piss people off, will push some away, will draw some near… but will continue to be worth every moment!

WISH ME LUCK

In all things find beauty,

MRC

Day 14 — If you won the lottery….

Okay, so in typical Michelle fashion, I have fallen behind on this challenge already.  BUT– to change it up, instead of just giving up, I am going to jump back in.. and hopefully back track on some of the days as I make time to.

Today’s challenge is, If you won the lottery……

Definitely  a challenging question and while I think about it all the time (don’t we all), I have never really THOUGHT about it.  t doesn’t give a dollar amount that you won, so I am just going to assume that it is a pretty substantial amount.  Possibly one that would mean that I would not need to work anymore and could still manage to live quite comfortably.

With that being said, I probably would NOT quit my job.  I mean, I don’t think that I would necessarily stay on full-time, but I would certainly work part-time for as long as possible.  I would also pay off any of our big “loans”. Damian’s student loans, the house, my car.  I would finally add-on the additional bathroom that we don’t quite have the money for right now.

Of course I would like to help out my family members as much as possible as well.  So yes– all of the normal things that I feel like most people would want to do with some of their winnings.

THE #1 THING I WOULD DO IF I WON THE LOTTERY, would be——————————————————————-

GO ON A VACATION!!!!  Well to be honest, 2 vacations really.  I would like to go on a vacation with just Damian and I and then an additional vacation with the whole family.  This is so important to me!  We haven’t been on a family vacation since before Mayci was born. When Myles was 1 and a half we spent a weekend away so we could go to the Bronx Zoo and then to the New England Aquarium.  Not even what I would consider a true vacation.  And Damian and I, we took a long weekend for our anniversary about 4 years ago.  And we have done a couple of overnight stays in NJ/NY at his brothers places a couple of times since then.  I want a true getaway.  Like more than a few days and somewhere longer than 3 hours away.

So, see– I wouldn’t be too greedy if I won the lottery.  It would just be nice to be able to live comfortably for a time.  Something that we don’t always do, depending on the time of year.

Unfortunately, I don’t play the lotto, so if I don’t play, I guess I will never win!

 

What would you do if you won the lottery??