Regretting words…

Image result for quotes about anger

Oh how the above resonates with my soul. Especially over the past few weeks or so. I have such a hard time maintaining my anger and it scares me sometimes. You know me, all about being honest about my flaws. I am a hot head. I don’t recall always being this way, but am definitely one currently!

And my poor family always gets to be on the receiving end of my anger. Why do I allow those closest to me be the ones to suffer the most? I wish I had answers. What I do know is that I am not an easy person to live with. I do not always make my house a pleasant place for my family to feel comfort and safe.

How have I let it get this bad? Again, a question I fail to find an answer to. I feel like I let it get this bad for a couple of reasons. I felt it was safe. I still have no idea how to actually control my emotions/outbursts.

Safe? What? I know that is what you are thinking. Let me explain – at work, I cannot have outbursts because it could seriously impact my job. At school events, people may judge and stare, etc. At home though, yeah I will upset the kids and Damian, but they will get over it. They will love me no matter what and then we will just move on. Right? WRONG!!!!! Yes, it upsets all 4 of them. It makes them uneasy, anxious, nervous to even just be around me. They live in a constant state of thinking, “when is she going to flip out again?” “What am I going to do that is going to set her off?” It makes them not take my words seriously and sometimes not even want to interact with me at all. Trust me when I say that this is not the environment that you want your family to be in. Well, at least I do not. I want my kids to want to be home, to feel safe, to be at ease. I want my husband to want to talk to me. I want my family to feel safe and feel comfortable having their friends over.

Unable to control my own emotions? How is that even possible? For me, so damn possible. I know what certain triggers are, but that isn’t an excuse for my explosive behavior. I try to talk myself down. But I can tell you, it very rarely works. I give up after about 30 seconds and just go full force cruel and whoever is around. Sometimes it isn’t even the person that I am upset with.

Even with my answers, I know that they are not valid and are merely excuses. I don’t write this because I think I know the answers, it is actually the opposite. I write this because I need to get these feelings out and work through them.

I know that my family thinks I am just a mean person. I know that, it is a fact. There lies scars within each member of my family that I have put there because of my actions and my words. I tend to say that I know my actions are wrong, but if… However, there is NO JUSTIFICATION because of my actions. Yes, I think my children are spoiled and sometimes extremely lazy and irresponsible. Yes, I wish my husband would think that keeping the house clean was just as much a priority as I do. But these are in no way a reason for my reactions to things. I cannot change my husband. I can only guide my children. Yes, I have to repeat myself several times to everyone in my family, but again, clearly the outbursts are not working, because I am still repeating myself SO why do I do it? Why do I flip and then feel guilty after, upset everyone else, and still nothing has been resolved.

Listen, I don’t have answers. I know that it is a problem. I am working on getting professional help to aid me in handling these emotions and help fix some of the relationships that I am in the process of ruining.

I think that it is perfectly healthy to get angry. Anger is necessary at times. It is NOT okay to be cruel and outof control. I know this yet struggle with executing a tame version of my anger.

Go ahead and judge me for my honesty, judge me for not being a better wife, mom, person. That is okay. I can take the judgement. I cannot take the overwhelming feeling that I get after each “episode”. The guilt and sadness. Nope, I am not ready to apologize. I can say the words but am not at a place where I feel it will mean something. I will be ready. One day. Hopefully soon. And hopefully, long before it is too late.

Wish me luck on this ….

In all things look for beauty(I am still searching on this one),

*ME*

Day 14 — If you won the lottery….

Okay, so in typical Michelle fashion, I have fallen behind on this challenge already.  BUT– to change it up, instead of just giving up, I am going to jump back in.. and hopefully back track on some of the days as I make time to.

Today’s challenge is, If you won the lottery……

Definitely  a challenging question and while I think about it all the time (don’t we all), I have never really THOUGHT about it.  t doesn’t give a dollar amount that you won, so I am just going to assume that it is a pretty substantial amount.  Possibly one that would mean that I would not need to work anymore and could still manage to live quite comfortably.

With that being said, I probably would NOT quit my job.  I mean, I don’t think that I would necessarily stay on full-time, but I would certainly work part-time for as long as possible.  I would also pay off any of our big “loans”. Damian’s student loans, the house, my car.  I would finally add-on the additional bathroom that we don’t quite have the money for right now.

Of course I would like to help out my family members as much as possible as well.  So yes– all of the normal things that I feel like most people would want to do with some of their winnings.

THE #1 THING I WOULD DO IF I WON THE LOTTERY, would be——————————————————————-

GO ON A VACATION!!!!  Well to be honest, 2 vacations really.  I would like to go on a vacation with just Damian and I and then an additional vacation with the whole family.  This is so important to me!  We haven’t been on a family vacation since before Mayci was born. When Myles was 1 and a half we spent a weekend away so we could go to the Bronx Zoo and then to the New England Aquarium.  Not even what I would consider a true vacation.  And Damian and I, we took a long weekend for our anniversary about 4 years ago.  And we have done a couple of overnight stays in NJ/NY at his brothers places a couple of times since then.  I want a true getaway.  Like more than a few days and somewhere longer than 3 hours away.

So, see– I wouldn’t be too greedy if I won the lottery.  It would just be nice to be able to live comfortably for a time.  Something that we don’t always do, depending on the time of year.

Unfortunately, I don’t play the lotto, so if I don’t play, I guess I will never win!

 

What would you do if you won the lottery??