Entering 36 and the upcoming journey…

Three weeks ago I turned 36.  I remember being a child and honestly feeling like a new, more mature person with each birthday morning.  Now- not so much.  I never mind my birthdays. The idea of getting older is actually exciting to me. I don’t tend to look at getting older as something cringe worthy.  It actually excites me- well, at least for now.

I woke up that morning and felt good. Well I was still a little sore from a yoga class I took 2 days prior… but all in all… I felt great!  And now three weeks in, I still feel great. I am confident that 36 will be just as enlightening that 35 was.  As we were getting closer to this particular day, I did start to think about the past 365 days and how I have grown through them.

My mindset has certainly shifted. Entering my 35th year, I was still living for other people.  Saying the things that people want to hear in order to not hurt them. Supporting things that I did not believe were right, because I felt that is what I was supposed to do.. Not moving forward towards opportunities or towards the things I want because I knew they would be difficult or I didn’t want to hear from naysayers.

Over the past year, I have slowly began to just be honest- not the brutal honest kind that is hurtful and disrespectful, but just gentle honesty that most people respect and some people just need.  I no longer support things (financially, emotionally, etc) that I do not agree with. This isn’t to say that I wasn’t honest before… It was more that I didn’t say certain things because I knew that they weren’t what people wanted to hear or because I knew that it may hurt them. 


I want 36 to be even more different. I want to be more adventurous and more myself. For years I had been an impostor- like my true self had been hidden because I was busy trying to fit in to little groups and be the right person for each group that I was a part of, work-family-friends, etc.  That is a scary realization and one that I worked hard on fixing over the past 2-3 years.  I don’t think that we are ever just one thing and that is what makes humans amazing creatures.
I want to experience life this year. You know, really experience it. Try something new once a month. Whether it be a new book, a new place, a new food. The world is full of so much and I want to take in all it has to offer. 

I started school AGAIN(for the 3rd time) at age 35 therefore for 36, my only goal related to this is to not quit. (We all know I am a chronic quitter- they really should make an award for this) I am not due to get my Bachelor’s degree (finally) until well into my 37th, so it is imperative that I work hard through 36.   I don’t want to float through this age, but to sashay down the runway that is age 36. I will put more focus on writing and less focus on talking about writing while not actually doing it. I will say NO when I don’t want to and begin to follow through with my YES’s. I will honor myself by taking time for me and not feeling selfish for it. I will no longer look for validation from the outside but instead from the inside of my soul.

36 will be the year that I will recognize my POWER. My power as a woman, as a mom, as a wife, as a student, as a writer, etc. And I will use that power to rise above my fear and my inconsistencies.

I am going to work hard to not compare myself to others as often as this is something I do always. I am not as disciplined as this person, not as motherly as that one. I am not has organized as so and so. I will work hard to eliminate these thoughts and to understand that in my power, I find my strength and my worth.

I will no longer tell myself that it is too late to change  my parenting tactics and just begin to make the necessary tweaks to help my family and my relationships with my kids stronger, regardless of my children’s ages. I will hold certain expectations for my home and how my home is run and I will no longer allow others to impede on these. 

I will focus on using my voice and words to build others up and stop tearing people down. I am going to work hard at making my conversations be less about criticizing other people and more about praising them instead. When praise cannot be found, I will simply stay quiet if my words cannot be beneficial. 

My theme for 36 will be INTENTION. I will aim to be more intentional. I will make decisions rationally and boldly. I will be confident in who I am. I will honor myself and my family and focus on teaching my kids the importance of being confident and true to your word.

I am beginning to realize that while age 35 was the year of realization, age 36 is going to be the year of execution. Let’s get this party started!!

In all things find beauty, 

MRC

 

 

Show the hell up…

Just show up! This is what I have to tell myself daily. Show up for my kids. Show up for my husband and other family. Show up for my friends. And damn it… SHOW UP FOR MYSELF!

Such simple words. Yet it is not a simple notion for me. I am known for not showing up. It is a sad fact and breaks my heart that many see me in this light.  My intentions are always good- but life is hard and people are sometimes just way to much for me. I love telling people yes and being there for people. I don’t like having to leave the comfort of my home sometimes, my safe place.

When I talk about showing up, I mean the term in many different ways. I mean being there for the people who are important for me.  Being there through their roughest moments as a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or just someone to sit in silence with. Being there during their accomplishments as one of their biggest cheerleaders. Being there just to be there to hang out, talk, be crazy, catch up.  This goes for family(and not just those related to me by blood), friends, coworkers, other adults or children in my life that just need someone to be there- to show up for them.  This is my goal, but this is not yet my reality. I back away and do not always show up because … well… mainly just be because I am afraid.  I am afraid to be there for one person more than another and then upset someone else. I am afraid to not be there in the right way for someone and then I end up hurting them more. I am afraid of letting myself out of my comfort zone and then what?  All the what ifs start to creep in at theat moment.  And don’t get me wrong- I do still show up… sometimes.  And when I do, I give my all. My biggest problem is aggreeing to show up before knowing if I truly can. That is where I get into the most trouble and I am tired of doing that. And then that makes me afraid to commit at all.

I talk a lot about my fears when I am writing because that is the emotion that has the most control over my life currently. Who am I kidding, this is what has controlled me for the better part of my 35 years.  But the thing that fear has most controlled when it comes to showing up– is me showing up for myself. I mean really- I am probably one of the most selfish people I know (listen, I am just being honest here- this is my safe place)- so why on earth would it be so difficult to do things that benefit me?  Now don’t be confused, yes I take plenty of time to binge watch my favorite shows, to eat the crappy foods I enjoy, to drink too much at times, to speak in ways that are not always becoming- but I cannot seem to show up for myself when it comes to making healthy decisions,  working towards MY goals, and doing things that truly excite me…yet I cannot seem to figure out why?

I have been thinking about this so much because I have been a part of a workout/healthy eating challenge through a local gym.  And one of the things I have been focusing on is SHOWING UP FOR MYSELF.  This requires discipline  in showing up for at least 3 workouts a week and focusing on getting the “correct” amount of protein and water in my daily “diet”. Oh my word- I SUCK at this.  I always have. Being disciplined is hard for me.  A lot of people think that it shouldn’t be this way since I served 8 years in the military– but boy are they wrong.

I still don’t get why showing up for myself is hard. Like, shouldn’t being there for myself be a priority? Shouldn’t I want to love on myself and take care of myself so that I have enough to give back to others? Shouldn’t I feel that I am important enough to show up for? The answer… HELL YES!  It is time to show the hell up for myself.  Stop with the excuses for why I cannot invest in myself. I am in a constant battle in fighting what I want to do versus what I need to do versus what people expect me to do…  The fight is over…..I am no longer going to worry myself about what other people feel I should do.. as long as what I want to do and  need to do align..then, the only thing that I am going to hold myself accountable for over the next 380 days is to just show up for myself!!  It will be challenging, scary, will piss people off, will push some away, will draw some near… but will continue to be worth every moment!

WISH ME LUCK

In all things find beauty,

MRC